In My Head

“But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever” - Haruki Murakami

It’s late. I’m half asleep, half mad, and writing this down because i can’t stop thinking about the shit my girls are going through. I’m reading their messages, the doubt, the spiralling, the softness they keep giving away to people who haven’t earnt a single part of it — and i just want to scream. I want to shake them. Not because i’m angry at them…but because i have been her. I’ve lived that story.

I have a habit of seeing what isn’t there, inventing these people that don’t even have a shred of what i imagined. My imagination is so creative, everyone sees the complete opposite to me. Crafting my delusion around a false fantasy.

And there is the age old statement — I can fix them. But that’s not your fucking job. Can you just imagine if you spent half the time you spent on those assholes…on yourself?

These boys rushing around like jokers, where are all the men? Is it that hard to find someone that takes accountability for their own actions? Someone that thinks about your feelings ahead of time? Friends that are genuine and actually care about you? Family that listens and makes the effort to grow with you? But you can’t sit around and wait for them to do that. Move on, stop wasting your time. It’s all in your head.

I just can’t watch it anymore.

We have to stop making excuses for people who don’t show up.

We have to stop shrinking to be chosen. Growth is not meant to be easy, i know it hurts. But i also know this:

You don’t need to ‘earn’ what’s meant for you.

You don’t need to beg to be loved properly. The right people will love you no matter what.

You don’t need to water down your persona, to keep someone who isn’t even thirsty.

Look at the way you pick you partners, are they just an outward manifestation of your buried ache, the kind you keep quiet even from yourself? Do they really have the potential to grow in your light, or are they stealing your shine for their own gain?

But, as you get more life experience, you need to realise, we can’t keep continuously blaming others for our own misjudgment. Some day you need to wake up and realise who is really there for you in your entirety. You can’t hold that against them, we are doing it to ourselves. Have courage in saying goodbye to things that no longer serve you.

Resentment is poison.

So, if you’re in your head, overthinking, over-explaining, over-loving someone who keeps dropping you — this is your sign to stop.

You are not hard to love.

They’re just not equipped.

Let them go. Come back to you.

Write it all out. Cry. Rage. Block them. Unfollow. Burn the letter and dance with the ashes. Rip apart the hope.

And then remind yourself:

You are the main character, you don’t chase…YOU choose.

“but why do you want to see your value from eyes of a stranger, why can’t you see yourself from your own eyes?”

Always, in the glow of Honey and Moonlight

xx

Mon

Now Playing: In my head - Ariana Grande